What Remains

I got a call last week from my friend Karyn in Detroit... She wanted me to know that Gayle Hamilton had passed away, she was in her 50's didn't really say what she passed from. A whole chapter of my life that had been closed for 10 years was ripped open and brought fresh in a few seconds time. Gayle was the mother of one of my old boyfriends Perry... She was at the apex of so much history and drama in my life. My relationship with Perry often put me at odds with his mother, Perry clearly loved her and wanted a relationship with her and she routinely slamed him for his lifestyle choices. While I thought I had perhaps gotten past all of it, it was not true and here it is a week later and I feel like I have to share some of this in hopes that it will have a cathartic effect for me... and let me apologize if this is too personal

I remember the August night in 1992 when Perry had approached me at the club. I had been starring at him quite some time as he and his friend had cleared one end of the dance floor. They were ball rooming very quickly and perfectly to the house music beats booming that night, and I was sitting in amazement at the sight. I had seen ball rooming before but never quite like this… It was as if they had been dancing their whole life, never missing a beat! Dips, spins fake fallbacks… More over it was the look on his face, which really got to me.. He had the look of freedom on his face the look that everything which could have bothered him was gone and he was in a space of total joy!”

“He came up to me eventually our tables being next to each other. He immediately turned and handed me a piece of paper, with his address… told me that he thought I was cute and that I should just stop by the next day… A spring up and he was back up on the dance floor…. “Ya you’re cute too” I said quietly to my self….

The next day I drove over to his house, which was a block off of Palmer Park, on Dakota. He lived in an upper flat, above a woman who spent her time in Florida… I could tell cause there were stacks of mail in one of the doors… I rang the bell but I got no answer and after a couple of tries I began to turn around to leave when I came face to face with Perry walking up the steps. Our faces mear inches away from each other’s “I could kiss you now or we could go up stairs” he said as he passed me his key…. And it was at the top of the stairs that did just that… He was presumtive and it excited me for some reason.

Perry was definitely more effeminate than any man I had ever went with, yet he was assertive in a masculine way which was part of his allure. We spend the next month dating …I stayed at his house every night…we would kiss, we would lay up in each others arms all night but we never had intercourse?” It was nice but frustrating to me because I knew he had the same feelings for me and i was ready for it.

It was about a month in that we had our first big fight. I thought there was something wrong because we were not having sex and he could not explain what was wrong... I thought it was our last fight as I left and didn’t see him for almost 6 weeks… a mutual friend and I were talking, Perry did not have a phone but it seemed odd that one fight would end what was so hot and heavy a beginning…

“Well Perry's been in the hospital “ my friend said, “He’s got phenomena…” It was then that I went over to the house where he eventually let me in. He tried to play off being ill till I found a medication bottle of AZT “What's this I asked…” “Well if you’re so smart you tell me…. He shot back!” “Well I think it would be better if you told me I said in a more demure tone.”

I walked over to him as he began to tremble, tears now flowed like huge single buckets from his eyes “I…. I have A.I.D.S. Ok? I’m going to die…” With this my brain exploded into a thousand instant thoughts and fears, luckily my heart guided my actions and I hugged and cried with him for what seemed like an hour “it is ok. and it doesn’t matter to me!” When we pulled it together some hours later he told me that he had been sick for quite along time and that the young man who had infected him had passed the year before. It was that moment, that very moment that I realized that Perry had been trying to protect me from himself… He loved me enough to not cause me great risk… yet he loved me enough to try a relationship, any kind of relationship… This sequence of events was destined to happen, and as painful as it was it seemed right.

By then I was in an apartment across the street in the park… and I simply insisted that he move in with me..I wanted to have what time he had left to be with me, I was in for quite a ride… We had two really good years together and It was through Perry that I met Karyn and her freind at the time Kieth. We would meet up at the club together, do dinners and just generaly socialize. Durring this time we had increased each others circle of friends as you would expect any couple to do and times were good in a very normal kinda way.
Karyn just ready for a concert that she an Perry were headed off to, you can see a picture of Gayle on the book shelf next to her, Perry worshiped her and much to his dismay and pain she despised him for being gay....

Perry and I at Lasaunji's apartment down the hall for a sunday afternoon swaray!

We had some small scares along the way but at the time there wasn’t any combo drug regimes and the illness finally took over in a slow spiral…towards the end we ended up apart after several stupid arguments. Looking back it seemed he didn’t want me to go through this with him.

These are the last pictures I have of Perry, he had started to really get smaller and I find it interesting that while he has the look of acceptance in these pictures, I have a look of fear... Perhaps I am reading to much into them.

He had invited me to his last birthday party, a small gathering of friends at a restaurant in Dearborn…I went wondering what he would look like, and what would I say… He was so thin and gaunt yet the life in his eyes was not diminished… we chatted during dinner which was pleasant, he asked me to help him to the bathroom after dinner, I held his hand as we slowly made our way, by then he was using a cane. I waited in the bathroom for him to finish, and as we were about to leave, he pulled me around and hugged me, “you know I love you don’t you?” “Yes I do, and I love you too” I began to cry... “Nope no tears! Not today it’s my Birthday!” To which I said ok…

Three weeks later he was dead…his mother returned the gold heart and crown ring I had given Perry a couple of years prior after the funeral and I began a very profound period in my life. She thanked me for taking care of Perry over the past few years and always being there... I felt conflicted as I wanted to tell her that she was the one who really needed to have been there all along... but I kept it to my self... The fact that she gave me the ring back was redemptive and the day had been hard enough. The week after Perry passed I went to Herman Kiefer to get a long over due A.I.D.S. test which came back negative, the fine looking young brother who gave me the news extended empathy to me as I quietly cried at the news. Did he know what I had been through? Did he understand the selfless act of love that had been given to me?

I was not in a relationship for a long time after Perry passed away, for the longest I couldn’t bear the thought of getting close to another man for quite some time! I have since come from under my grief and begun to live my life again... yet I still haven't found the one. What remains? Just my photographs and my memories....