Wednesday, February 21, 2007

A Letter To My Mother


Carol Ann Cushman 1940 - 2007



I didn't have the opportunity to talk to you in a meaningful way before you left. I know if we even had the chance, I wouldn't have covered all that I would have wanted to say. It's never been easy for us to express ourselves openly, though the feelings ran deep.

I'm sorry the past few years have been hard on you. It doesn't seem fitting to put so much effort and work into life, only to have it end with so much misery. The years caught up with you harshly and unfairly.

In recent years you shared with me that you felt unfulfilled, that you had accomplished so little of what you thought life would be. I could never understand why you felt this way given all that you did accomplish. You raised the four of us, kept a normal home when dad worked out on the road. I think you did a great job.

We grew up into perfectly imperfect adults with triumphs and mistakes both big and small yet through it all you and Dad kept something solid for us at the core, something to look up too, something to come home too. To this day when I think of the Christmas spirit, I first think of you and Dad showing us the spirit every year. Im sorry I missed the past couple of years, I needed to make Christmas my own, but now that you are gone, I regret missing even one.

I hope you left knowing that I appreciate all that you sacrificed for me and my brothers and sister. We have all taken separate paths in life and we learned from you and father that it was ok to be unique.

I want to thank you for my life. For recognizing early on that I was different on some level, for making a space for me where I could grow into what I am today, in and on my own terms. It was not always easy for you and I regret any pain I caused you while growing up.

I know I have not been able to share with you much of who I have become over the past 20 years. I knew as much as you wanted me to be me, you also wanted me to have the full family, picket fence, retire with lots of grand kids experience all mother want there sons to have.

But know that I am happy, have had wonderful experiences and a life full of love. Even more I have experienced the true and selfless love of someone who in many ways reminded me of you. They have gone on ahead of you and its my hope that you will meet him in the next life.

Mother, know that I am thinking and therefore always with you. I will remember your constant attention to me as a child, the hugs and kisses only you could give. The memories of sharing a good sale at the department store, Hudson lunches with you and Grandma, I still crave their chicken pie. Watching a sad romantic movie, the taste of GOOD chocolate and my yearly dose of black jelly beans at Easter. Thank you for everything. I love you.

More about Mom here


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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

This was an absolutely gorgeous entry, Christopher. If your mother was still here today, I’m sure she would appreciate and value the raw honesty, growth and indescribable beauty laced in your words.

Sending you hugs and condolences.

Your friend,
LaLi.

Naijadude said...

That is such a nice post for your mum. May God grant her a good perfect rest in peace! Apparently she was a great person thats what you turned out to be!

Dont worry she is in a perfect place, resting with the good Lord. Be happy, rejoice and be glad for her life.....

Have a great one!

Morisset said...

My condolences to you and your family. Your words are beautiful and heartfelt. I'm sure your mom has appreciated you more than you know. Thanks for sharing this letter and the wonderful pictures.

Peace & Light,
Ocean