.: A Letter To My Mother

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

A Letter To My Mother

Carol Ann Cushman 1940 - 2007

I didn't have the opportunity to talk to you in a meaningful way before you left. I know if we even had the chance, I wouldn't have covered all that I would have wanted to say. It's never been easy for us to express ourselves openly, though the feelings ran deep.

I'm sorry the past few years have been hard on you. It doesn't seem fitting to put so much effort and work into life, only to have it end with so much misery. The years caught up with you harshly and unfairly.

In recent years you shared with me that you felt unfulfilled, that you had accomplished so little of what you thought life would be. I could never understand why you felt this way given all that you did accomplish. You raised the four of us, kept a normal home when dad worked out on the road. I think you did a great job.

We grew up into perfectly imperfect adults with triumphs and mistakes both big and small yet through it all you and Dad kept something solid for us at the core, something to look up too, something to come home too. To this day when I think of the Christmas spirit, I first think of you and Dad showing us the spirit every year. Im sorry I missed the past couple of years, I needed to make Christmas my own, but now that you are gone, I regret missing even one.

I hope you left knowing that I appreciate all that you sacrificed for me and my brothers and sister. We have all taken separate paths in life and we learned from you and father that it was ok to be unique.

I want to thank you for my life. For recognizing early on that I was different on some level, for making a space for me where I could grow into what I am today, in and on my own terms. It was not always easy for you and I regret any pain I caused you while growing up.

I know I have not been able to share with you much of who I have become over the past 20 years. I knew as much as you wanted me to be me, you also wanted me to have the full family, picket fence, retire with lots of grand kids experience all mother want there sons to have.

But know that I am happy, have had wonderful experiences and a life full of love. Even more I have experienced the true and selfless love of someone who in many ways reminded me of you. They have gone on ahead of you and its my hope that you will meet him in the next life.

Mother, know that I am thinking and therefore always with you. I will remember your constant attention to me as a child, the hugs and kisses only you could give. The memories of sharing a good sale at the department store, Hudson lunches with you and Grandma, I still crave their chicken pie. Watching a sad romantic movie, the taste of GOOD chocolate and my yearly dose of black jelly beans at Easter. Thank you for everything. I love you.

More about Mom here

Note: All images and text (not specified) is copyrighted by Christopher Cushman. This site does not specify or denote the sexual orientation of any model and as such please post your comments accordingly.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...: This was an absolutely gorgeous entry, Christopher. If your mother was still here today, I’m sure she would appreciate and value the raw honesty, growth and indescribable beauty laced in your words.

Sending you hugs and condolences.

Your friend,
LaLi.; 4:55 PM
Naijadude said...: That is such a nice post for your mum. May God grant her a good perfect rest in peace! Apparently she was a great person thats what you turned out to be!

Dont worry she is in a perfect place, resting with the good Lord. Be happy, rejoice and be glad for her life.....

Have a great one!; 11:11 AM
Morisset said...: My condolences to you and your family. Your words are beautiful and heartfelt. I'm sure your mom has appreciated you more than you know. Thanks for sharing this letter and the wonderful pictures.

Peace & Light,
Ocean; 7:47 PM

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Through New Eyes: The Photography of Christopher Cushman by Rinaldo Walcott

The Black male body remains an enigma despite its over representation in the public sphere. The dominance of hip hop culture globally, driven in part, but not exclusively by the innovative sounds of rap music have made Black men a standard by which Black men and other men judge themselves in contemporary culture. However, there is a paradox, because despite the prevalence of hip-hop’s popular global impact, Black men are also still some of the most despised men in Western culture. Stereotypes of criminality, disease and danger still abound and organize Black men’s lives, even within hip hop culture. Thus representations of Black men tend to be much more restricted, than open-ended. The struggle to bring Black men into complex open-ended representations has been an on-going historical struggle. One of the most potent forms of representation in the last one hundred and fifty years has been the photograph. Photography has offered the promise to represent the real in a manner that has both seduce its viewers and baffled them with its artifice. Black male photographic representations in the last half of the twentieth century and into the twenty-first have promised to rescue Black men from the confines of mis-representation and stereotype. One of the most difficult and complicated circumstances of Black male representations has been in the realm of representing their sexuality. Black men’s sexuality is still over-burdened by a perceived threat and danger, especially now in the hyped-up era of the downlow. Then along comes Cushman. I first hear of Christopher Cushman’s photography from my boyfriend. He told me of a guy who was taking photographs of black nudes based upon how they wanted themselves to be seen, not how he posed them as his models. When I met Cushman he confirmed that he did indeed work from the models’ suggested posed and not impose his own. The idea is a great one because it allows the models agency in choosing what they believe to be an adequate representation of who they are. While it is now true that in contemporary culture subjects have learned to play for the camera, offering us artifice on command, this artifice can be understood as exposing inner senses of self and being. Cushman’s photography captures and reveals those inner desires. Look at me, many of the models seems to say. But look at me anew, is also what they seem to project and insist on. Cushman’s eye lavishes these Black male bodies with glimmers of light revealing their nuance personalities. While most of the men are naked their individuality comes clearly through. And yet, their eyes too reveal that they belong to a community, a family and possess desires, fantasies and needs. In these photographs, as viewers we are given new eyes to see beyond our inner voyeur. Cushman channels, Robert Mapplethorpe, Rotimi Fani-Kayode and many other artists, commercial and amateur photographers who seek to rescue the Black male body from the disastrous depths of mis-representation, and who almost always fall short. The conversations that his models create between his work and others whether unconscious or not reveal the profound influence of the image in our time. However, in Cushman’s eyes the Black male body is not being rescued, instead it stands on a self-made pedestal, not arrogantly announcing its existence but coolly (its signature) singing its own praisesong as swathes of light and behind the camera love washes over it. In each moment a small but significant revelation is made. Each revelation offers us the opportunity of an Epiphany – to think a thought about a Black man that we have not thought before. Professor Rinaldo Walcott is a cultural critic and Canada Research Chair of Social Justice and Cultural Studies at the University of Toronto. He lives and writes in Toronto.

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"What Chris has done with this important collection of images, Fierce: Being Black, Being Gay in America, A Photographic Essay, is to seek, lift, and affirm the identity and visibility of men-who love-men and express it in many ways. His photographs display Midwest American men from the outlandish and flamboyant, to the subdued and subtle. You’d think these were “ladies who lunch;” muscular men dressed for the “Park” in lace, and floppy hats to give effect for all to see. Brothers connecting in places we know are safe, such as our nightclubs, the discos, and special events targeting our interests.

The importance of Fierce is paramount: all men are created equal, and share a space on earth. These portraits of men have to be recognized as God’s beauty and not His damnation. Time will thank those who were strong and dared enough to express themselves for all to see and appreciate in a manner that’s loving and creative. Time will also thank us for not living in a paranoid state of mind, and afraid of our own shadows. Remember, this cluster of work isn’t Robert Mappelthope’s approach to black imagery, but the approach of documenting men as they wanted to be seen: with and without sexual stimulation, for shock value."

Curtis A. Lipscomb
Executive Director Kick – The Agency for L-G-B-T African-Americans
Detroit Michigan / 2005
www.e-kick.com